[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
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In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Raisins are grape jerky.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Me if I was a dog
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I’m already scared
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy