There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
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Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.