Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
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“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.