The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
The Birdles
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.