Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
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Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL