“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess