I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
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ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11