I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
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That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Xylophonist Shredding It
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
we’re gonna need another temp
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you