That’s classic.
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[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
and now we wait
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese