why does this building look like a guilty dog
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.