Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
You Might Also Like
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
scrabbled eggs
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.