Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
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“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
🤣😂🤣
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.