you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
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“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”