Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
The Last Dance just keeps getting better