I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
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Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids