“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.