The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
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The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again