Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
How times have changed.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.