I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America