This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to