twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
his wife is probably gonna see that
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
had to make it
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.