If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
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*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.