Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?