One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
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My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Free him
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.