Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
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My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
hmm conte-me mais
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
so i’m at the stock market right
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.