Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
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Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
🤣🤣🤣
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.