I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
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Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”