My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
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My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.