None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
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It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”