I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
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Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
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