*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.