if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
My last name is Zilla.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”