Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
😂😂
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.