You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
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My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”