If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
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for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!