I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.