I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
You Might Also Like
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.