If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
what does he know…
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus