I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
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The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…