Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
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To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.