Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
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*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy