[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
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SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”