20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
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*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*