I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
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There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
and now we wait
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
For the baby who has everything
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Tony Hawk, age 6
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me