I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
when someone compliments me
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.