My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
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The biggest mystery of our time
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
How did we not see this back then?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!