[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
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Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Most fashion shows these days…
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else