Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
never forget
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there