How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
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My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.