Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
You Might Also Like
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.